Quietly Relentless

The smoke detector in our bedroom needs a new battery.  But the old one is still doing something. When you take a really hot shower there is this faint yet consistent 'bleating' noise that comes out of the white disk on the wall.  It catches you off guard- it's not very loud but man it's persistent. STEADY.  I know it needs to get fixed.  But still the 'bleat' goes on. Seems like a true analogy for my own pursuit of  work at the moment.  It's been a busy year.  Released two films in 2015 and began 2016 directing the pilot and first four episodes of a digital series. Directed my first two year old! No small feat!  Directed a lovely short in Australia. Was accepted into the Directing Lab at Film Independent and have two feature scripts I am attached to direct and am excited about.  But as much as I wish it weren't the case- it's not like CRAZY BUSY.  And what I thought would be a logical and 'it's about time' transition into episodic television directing has not happened yet either. But I have amazing people helping me push this through like Gina Reyes at Fox and the amazing ladies at WeForShe. Granted, I know it's a tough business and a very competitive one.  But, I know I could be doing better.  Getting in bigger rooms- given bigger opportunities.  A very successful writer/director now producer once described me as 'quietly relentless'.  I had just sent my usual- 'Hey! congrats on all you are doing I just directed this here's a link/released a movie/got into this festival email in the hopes he/they might consider me to come onboard one of their projects.  I was slightly taken aback when he kindly described me in this way.  He was like! 'Look at you- you are still at it!' Huh. I've never wanted to be annoying or aggressive but RELENTLESS made me think of one of those storms that beats away at a coast or an attack of missiles on defenseless civilians during a major war.  And quiet too- like did he mean in an annoying way?  Or a beautiful yet tolerable way.  I'll never know.

Cut to today and I haven't actually changed my approach nor do I plan to.  I continue to reach out, self promote, create my own work (as I was taught at Atlantic Theater Company when I was an expectant 19 year old) and work.  Keep working.  And keep reaching for bigger and better opportunities.  Believing they will show up when they are meant to. So if I email or text you and it reminds you of the soft strong bleating of a dying smoke alarm let me assure you it is me- just me- and while I may be quietly relentless- I am not giving up yet.

A Woman in Hollywood - Thoughts on the ACLU and other interesting facts

There has been a lot of reaction and calls to action in the press of late about the lack of and expected overt discrimination of female directors.  I’ve sat on it for a minute.  I am a female director.  And I’ve been ‘in the arts’ since high school- began formally pursuing an artistic career when I was 18 and hit the commercial auditioning streets of NYC with real zest.  So I’ve always known that breaking in is hard- for ANY young artist of ANY background or gender.  It’s a competitive field! A lot of people want to be on screens and telling stories and be recognized for their contributions.  Moving on from acting, I knew that breaking into directing wasn’t an easy road but I went for it.  And 5 years later-  I am successful.. I used to say fortunate but I stopped that.  Fortunate implies that some random wheel spun and you landed on a good thing- I’ve been successful in that I got into good schools, created good work, surround myself with talented collaborators who deepen the work, pushed myself harder and kept hustling.  Keep on hustling.  I have my moments where I keep expecting the knock on the door with the BIG PAYING JOB or the WOW WE JUST NOTICED HOW AWESOME YOU ARE call to come in.  But the truth is after a few hours or days of this entitled expectancy I get over myself and settle in and do the work.  The real grit (as was told to me by my AFI teacher and friend producer Brian Udovich).  So I’ve done just that- made a successful short and then three solid features- the second one having just released theatrically and the newest about to premiere at LAFF.  So this is where my story catches up to the news…

I never like to dwell on the negative.  But I will say that what people are finally calling attention to, is out there.  For me I liken it to a big fancy wedding at like The Plaza where there are rooms of buffet tables and the one where the really fancy lobster tails are- there’s a nice looking waiter at the door who just as I am about to enter- politely puts his hand on my arm and suggests that ‘there likely isn’t anything for me inside’  Encourages me ‘down the hall to the left where the fruit salad tower is’.  It’s kind and informed and ‘for my own good’.  And man I am HUNGRY. But I’m a polite girl so I head down to the fruit salads.  But there are a lot of people with lobster tails on their plates.  I’ve begun to pursue larger jobs more aggressively now- feeling ready with three full features under my belt and a good reputation- and I keep being redirected: to smaller films- smaller tables- smaller goals.  And while I may not have an Avengers movie in me just yet I do have action and suspense and heartfelt characters and female driven fare and male driven fare and I know I can direct an actor be they male or female.  And run a set and get what I want and not make people nervous.  A lot of us can.

Some say a female directed story isn’t viably commercial.  Have you seen Pitch Perfect 2? I have a son and daughter and I don’t look at one and say you are like this and the other and say you are like that- certainly not based on their GENDER.  They are individuals with different tastes and likes and dislikes and desires and needs.  Molly likes basketball.  Jack likes to wear sunglasses.  Who knows what their taste in movies will be.  And I certainly won’t let the filmmakers gender dictate which thing they will like.

So while overt discrimination may still be determining its case..I lend my voice to the newfound awareness by saying- ‘Hey- I’ll take a lobster tail please.’  

Voices are voices.  We should all get the chance to be heard.

Releasing DAPmovie

In 4 short weeks my second feature film Dial A Prayer is releasing theatrically and on-demand.  I'm excited and terrified.  Well maybe not terrified.  Nervous. The thing is, although I am entirely grateful to have a second film receive distribution, I'm still crazy nervous.  Even with the fact that so far the support of cast, distributor and all other parties involved in the release has been fantastic. And the trailer kindof rocks. Still. Nervous. See this film did not have a festival ride, we received excitement for the title early on and went straight for the sale- which ultimately is the end goal for any independent film hoping to 'launch' on a festival ride right? Sure.  But for me, not having had any experience or engagement with an audience or reviewer just puts all the more pressure on April 10. Because it's the first time.  The real time.  It's like ON.

From the moment I first starting writing Dial A Prayer it was like some other force was pulling the story out of me- driving me to tell it. I had no choice but to make it.  I was hesitant to send it to anyone- worried they would see prayer in the title and make some quick judgement on me- the material.  Was I some hidden Jesus freak? Trying to cash in on Heaven Is For Real's crazy box office success?  Or was I going to piss off those people who did have faith- mock something- not give it it's due respect.  Burn the church/take down the man. There was no way to preface any conversation with what I wanted the movie to be or exactly what story I was trying to tell.  You see I had to put my complete and uttermost faith in myself and this story.  I had to hand it over to potential investors and agents and casting directors and dps and friends and ACTORS and just TRUST that they would get it.  That they would get it in their way. See that it isn't really a movie about God or Christianity is a yes or any kind of faith is a no but really about believing in something bigger.  The power of that. The power of forgiveness.  And again not in a cheesy afterschool special kind of way. But in my way. This wild funny dramatic messy bright way. That was my hope.

I couldn't be more proud of the film we ended up making.  And I couldn't be more grateful to my producers at Storyboard Entertainment and my gorgeous cast led by Brittany Snow and my dear friend and mentor William H Macy.  I'm grateful that my mom read it early on (out loud to my Dad) and told me to keep going.  That Jason Potash responded to the 65 page draft and always kept it in his sights to make sure we made it. That Sylvia Sether told me I was a writer when I swore that I wasn't. For my husband for waiting to watch it until it really was done and EVERYONE who put their own faith in the story we wanted to tell. Those were some cold Michigan exterior shoot days.

I'm not sure what will happen on April 10th.  But I'm happy that that day will come and that this seed of a story will have a chance to grow into something really BIG.

Picture Wrap Movie #2-The Flight Home

the difficult thing about leaving town to go shoot your film has to be the looming question of whether or not you will actually make it.  for me i equate it to how an athlete must feel before the marathon or championship game.  not that I really know what that's like but it seems there's a prerequisite of endurance and consistent focus.  you have to be prepared of course and train well and 'get your head on straight'.  but once it starts it starts and you are in it- so very in it. I had a hard time looking ahead and buying into that I would make it to the finish. almost two months on location across the country and shooting the entirety of the film in 18 short days....

leaving two children was definitely the hardest piece.  and then once I landed it was brutally difficult to be apart from and distanced from my husband.  he was enduring so much on the homefront and understandably well underwater and we had our own disconnectedness which was of course expected but still hard to navigate.  you turn off a certain piece of yourself so you can make it through but you  miss that part you turned off.  there were many moments I wished I could turn to him for input or a keep going nudge and I wished I were there to give that to him.

the greatest gift was how well jack and molly did.  with facetime I was able to see and connect with molly almost every single night and jack was always cheerful and happy when we saw each other.  they were ok and that was reassuring on so many levels. nights were hard and any moment of quiet or off time- although few and far between my mind immediately went to them and wishing I could breathe them in and hold them. but I was ok and they were OK and the release that came from understanding this was really really good.

honestly, as a mom of two who has always worked hard to balance my creative life and work with being a present and active mom and wife it was a great gift to have the time and space to shoot the film out of town.  i was able to re-discover pieces of myself.  see how I was able to function in a group of peers- as a co-worker- not a co parent.  it's funny how we can lose this along the way.

getting to make this film though- wow.  it was a deeply moving experience.  it was hard but not hard in an awful way- more the good challenging way that you grow and learn from.  things almost fell apart but stayed intact- people got mad- I had to give up on things and fight hard for others.  there were moments of self doubt and hurt feelings.  how could there not be?  we were building a story with so many pieces and moving parts and very few resources.  and then there were amazing like really really fun times.  i laughed really hard.  harder than I have laughed in a while.  we shot a stunt sequence! burned plywood! shot in a field in the middle of nowhere.  i breathed in so many new people- relaxed into another family's home and life- explored and came to understand a new city.  and at the end of all of this we did it.  we completely did it! everyone showed up.  an extraordinary and colorful cast- some who asked lots of questions and tested my storytelling and there were amazing insights and discoveries and beautiful funny performances.  there were scenes that soared and simple things that lifted off the page and complicated things that played simple.  there was lots and lots of magic.  I found myself saying beautiful beautiful after takes I loved and nice nice.  something in this one- that's where it always ended up.  the pieces of the story revealed themselves over the weeks- funny and uplifting- grounded and moving- dramatic and tense.  it will be fun to pull them all together and thread through this story.

more than anything today on this flight home to the sunshine and two kids with coughs and my amazing and surely overtired husband I am happy that I am happy to be going home.  I mean- of course I am- but you have to stop and think about it for a beat every now and again. and really I just feel like the luckiest girl.  to get to go off and make this film- this story that I spun up in my head out of nothing and also so much something and for all of the amazing collaborative visionaries who came in and brought it forward with me to this point- and the support of my friends and parents and in laws and family and mentors old and new. and my love, my best friend and partner who never ever stops believing in me and us no matter what.  I've been given good things in my life and I am grateful for them and the hard work that brought me to them and this. and even though I am tired and nervous about the next steps and readjusting to getting back it's all ok- really ok.  because I made it this far- you know? 

Soldiering On

As a teacher, I am constantly telling my acting students not to let themselves off the hook.  Never to give up.  In the moment, on stage or on screen, there is an easy choice- one that puts you at less risk and keeps you in a comfortable spot.  The hard task is to push yourself to stay present, be open to new choices and not 'be kind' to yourself in allowing yourself to slack.  It's much easier said than done.  But those that do- catapult forward.  Make brave choices, find success and are riveting to watch.

So here I sit in my own 'moment'.  And I'm honestly finding it hard to not let myself off the hook and curl up into a ball of -'well I gave it a shot...'.  My first feature Light Years, that took such bravery and commitment to make (2 years of sacrifices and bold steps and many forces rallying behind me to see it done) has not found the road I so eagerly anticipated it finding.  Granted I am happy with the film.  Proud of the work we did,  was exhilarated upon it's completion. But nine months later, film festivals have not programmed it, I have not been flown to a premiere and basked in the spotlight, have not watched audiences laugh and cry and ask me where we found that great end title song and the programmers who adored the short film I made a couple years prior apologize profusely for not having 'space' for the feature.  And believe me, I know how competitive these festivals are and the current over abundance of great content and new ways of getting the content out there are still being tested and explored.  I didn't get into this because I thought it would be easy.   I'm happy for my friends like Clark Gregg, Daisy von scherler Mayer and Steph Green whose amazing films are out there in the world making splashes.  And that's just naming a few. I'm appreciative of my producers and investors who continue to support my filmmaking endeavors and explore roads to get this one out into the world. Festivals are certainly not the only route.  I'm thankful for my bad ass director chick posse that I have to keep me thinking clearly and encouraging and challenging me at every turn.  But honestly, I'm still feeling pretty blue.  And I think I am writing it all down because I know in my heart of hearts that it's a good thing that this is one of those moments- where it really all comes down to me: can I dig deep and push forward, keep the faith and never give up?  If I lose faith in my own film how can I expect that anyone else won't do the same? It's the hardest spots where we prove ourselves I think. And even though it may not look like on paper or even from a distance how I thought it would, I assure you, most emphatically that THIS IS MY MOMENT.  This is it.  And I think, no I know, what I have to do.  I'm gonna grab it.  Grab it and push on through.

Slow Cooker

It's my favorite time. I'm in a slow cooker of imagery.  Things are churning and burning and simmering too.  I hear and see my story everywhere: in a song, in a pair of shoes, in the shadows that flicker on my wall in the late afternoon.  Some days the words fly out and others just one or two or none.  It's the hardest and yet the most fulfilling time.  Keep going. Keep going.

in front of me

'snowdrifts like gray snow cones'

blank slate

Well That Part's Done

Well I've been meaning to write so often over the last couple of weeks.  The magic of color and the glory of sound happened simultaneously.  That in between Jack's FIRST birthday and Molly's SEVENTH left me composing posts in my head in bed at night instead of publishing them.  What an incredible journey. On Friday of last week I crossed off my very last note for color.  I turned the pile of paper over with a satisfied breath and then felt a sudden wave of emotion knowing I was letting go of the film.  Setting it out into the world to find it's way.  What a rush.
The last week my mind has been suddenly filled with images and sound bites over the last two years.  The first call from my producing partner Jason Potash when he read an early draft.  The first pitch meeting at an agency while battling morning sickness.  Location scouts in Michigan.  Getting talent!  Losing talent.  Getting new better talent!  Raising money. Losing money.  Pushing the film.  Meeting Gina Resnick and being told we'd 'have to shoot in NY'. Having JACK.  Getting back into pre-production with a brand new baby.  Missing when Molly lost her second tooth and missing HER for 5 weeks too long apart.  Buying proper Director shoes.  Toasting the 100th roll of film. The EDIT. The month off. The seemingly endless search for the end title song.  The gorgeous strings that came to life in Prague.  Collaborating with Matthew and listening to score with the baby monitor in the background.  Telling the story with color.  What a great ride. I'm so grateful to everyone who came on this part of the journey with me.

For now it's wait and see time.  Which will be interesting.  And I'll have to learn even more patience.  But boy am I ready.  Ready for whatever comes next.