Picture Wrap Movie #2-The Flight Home

the difficult thing about leaving town to go shoot your film has to be the looming question of whether or not you will actually make it.  for me i equate it to how an athlete must feel before the marathon or championship game.  not that I really know what that's like but it seems there's a prerequisite of endurance and consistent focus.  you have to be prepared of course and train well and 'get your head on straight'.  but once it starts it starts and you are in it- so very in it. I had a hard time looking ahead and buying into that I would make it to the finish. almost two months on location across the country and shooting the entirety of the film in 18 short days....

leaving two children was definitely the hardest piece.  and then once I landed it was brutally difficult to be apart from and distanced from my husband.  he was enduring so much on the homefront and understandably well underwater and we had our own disconnectedness which was of course expected but still hard to navigate.  you turn off a certain piece of yourself so you can make it through but you  miss that part you turned off.  there were many moments I wished I could turn to him for input or a keep going nudge and I wished I were there to give that to him.

the greatest gift was how well jack and molly did.  with facetime I was able to see and connect with molly almost every single night and jack was always cheerful and happy when we saw each other.  they were ok and that was reassuring on so many levels. nights were hard and any moment of quiet or off time- although few and far between my mind immediately went to them and wishing I could breathe them in and hold them. but I was ok and they were OK and the release that came from understanding this was really really good.

honestly, as a mom of two who has always worked hard to balance my creative life and work with being a present and active mom and wife it was a great gift to have the time and space to shoot the film out of town.  i was able to re-discover pieces of myself.  see how I was able to function in a group of peers- as a co-worker- not a co parent.  it's funny how we can lose this along the way.

getting to make this film though- wow.  it was a deeply moving experience.  it was hard but not hard in an awful way- more the good challenging way that you grow and learn from.  things almost fell apart but stayed intact- people got mad- I had to give up on things and fight hard for others.  there were moments of self doubt and hurt feelings.  how could there not be?  we were building a story with so many pieces and moving parts and very few resources.  and then there were amazing like really really fun times.  i laughed really hard.  harder than I have laughed in a while.  we shot a stunt sequence! burned plywood! shot in a field in the middle of nowhere.  i breathed in so many new people- relaxed into another family's home and life- explored and came to understand a new city.  and at the end of all of this we did it.  we completely did it! everyone showed up.  an extraordinary and colorful cast- some who asked lots of questions and tested my storytelling and there were amazing insights and discoveries and beautiful funny performances.  there were scenes that soared and simple things that lifted off the page and complicated things that played simple.  there was lots and lots of magic.  I found myself saying beautiful beautiful after takes I loved and nice nice.  something in this one- that's where it always ended up.  the pieces of the story revealed themselves over the weeks- funny and uplifting- grounded and moving- dramatic and tense.  it will be fun to pull them all together and thread through this story.

more than anything today on this flight home to the sunshine and two kids with coughs and my amazing and surely overtired husband I am happy that I am happy to be going home.  I mean- of course I am- but you have to stop and think about it for a beat every now and again. and really I just feel like the luckiest girl.  to get to go off and make this film- this story that I spun up in my head out of nothing and also so much something and for all of the amazing collaborative visionaries who came in and brought it forward with me to this point- and the support of my friends and parents and in laws and family and mentors old and new. and my love, my best friend and partner who never ever stops believing in me and us no matter what.  I've been given good things in my life and I am grateful for them and the hard work that brought me to them and this. and even though I am tired and nervous about the next steps and readjusting to getting back it's all ok- really ok.  because I made it this far- you know? 

Soldiering On

As a teacher, I am constantly telling my acting students not to let themselves off the hook.  Never to give up.  In the moment, on stage or on screen, there is an easy choice- one that puts you at less risk and keeps you in a comfortable spot.  The hard task is to push yourself to stay present, be open to new choices and not 'be kind' to yourself in allowing yourself to slack.  It's much easier said than done.  But those that do- catapult forward.  Make brave choices, find success and are riveting to watch.

So here I sit in my own 'moment'.  And I'm honestly finding it hard to not let myself off the hook and curl up into a ball of -'well I gave it a shot...'.  My first feature Light Years, that took such bravery and commitment to make (2 years of sacrifices and bold steps and many forces rallying behind me to see it done) has not found the road I so eagerly anticipated it finding.  Granted I am happy with the film.  Proud of the work we did,  was exhilarated upon it's completion. But nine months later, film festivals have not programmed it, I have not been flown to a premiere and basked in the spotlight, have not watched audiences laugh and cry and ask me where we found that great end title song and the programmers who adored the short film I made a couple years prior apologize profusely for not having 'space' for the feature.  And believe me, I know how competitive these festivals are and the current over abundance of great content and new ways of getting the content out there are still being tested and explored.  I didn't get into this because I thought it would be easy.   I'm happy for my friends like Clark Gregg, Daisy von scherler Mayer and Steph Green whose amazing films are out there in the world making splashes.  And that's just naming a few. I'm appreciative of my producers and investors who continue to support my filmmaking endeavors and explore roads to get this one out into the world. Festivals are certainly not the only route.  I'm thankful for my bad ass director chick posse that I have to keep me thinking clearly and encouraging and challenging me at every turn.  But honestly, I'm still feeling pretty blue.  And I think I am writing it all down because I know in my heart of hearts that it's a good thing that this is one of those moments- where it really all comes down to me: can I dig deep and push forward, keep the faith and never give up?  If I lose faith in my own film how can I expect that anyone else won't do the same? It's the hardest spots where we prove ourselves I think. And even though it may not look like on paper or even from a distance how I thought it would, I assure you, most emphatically that THIS IS MY MOMENT.  This is it.  And I think, no I know, what I have to do.  I'm gonna grab it.  Grab it and push on through.

Slow Cooker

It's my favorite time. I'm in a slow cooker of imagery.  Things are churning and burning and simmering too.  I hear and see my story everywhere: in a song, in a pair of shoes, in the shadows that flicker on my wall in the late afternoon.  Some days the words fly out and others just one or two or none.  It's the hardest and yet the most fulfilling time.  Keep going. Keep going.

in front of me

'snowdrifts like gray snow cones'

blank slate

Well That Part's Done

Well I've been meaning to write so often over the last couple of weeks.  The magic of color and the glory of sound happened simultaneously.  That in between Jack's FIRST birthday and Molly's SEVENTH left me composing posts in my head in bed at night instead of publishing them.  What an incredible journey. On Friday of last week I crossed off my very last note for color.  I turned the pile of paper over with a satisfied breath and then felt a sudden wave of emotion knowing I was letting go of the film.  Setting it out into the world to find it's way.  What a rush.
The last week my mind has been suddenly filled with images and sound bites over the last two years.  The first call from my producing partner Jason Potash when he read an early draft.  The first pitch meeting at an agency while battling morning sickness.  Location scouts in Michigan.  Getting talent!  Losing talent.  Getting new better talent!  Raising money. Losing money.  Pushing the film.  Meeting Gina Resnick and being told we'd 'have to shoot in NY'. Having JACK.  Getting back into pre-production with a brand new baby.  Missing when Molly lost her second tooth and missing HER for 5 weeks too long apart.  Buying proper Director shoes.  Toasting the 100th roll of film. The EDIT. The month off. The seemingly endless search for the end title song.  The gorgeous strings that came to life in Prague.  Collaborating with Matthew and listening to score with the baby monitor in the background.  Telling the story with color.  What a great ride. I'm so grateful to everyone who came on this part of the journey with me.

For now it's wait and see time.  Which will be interesting.  And I'll have to learn even more patience.  But boy am I ready.  Ready for whatever comes next.

Listen Up

Lately it's all been about the sound of it all.  What kind of bag is that- would it land with a small, dull thud or a crinkle?  Do those fluorescents hum? All day teeny tiny questions and answers that add up to the gorgeous soundscape that surrounds the living and breathing world of a film.  I love it. And my sound design team of Andrea Bella and Michael Feuser are astoundingly detail oriented and passionate and creative in ways that blow my mind right off.  Working with them in the past sincerely shaped my writing going forward.  I always pay attention now to how a character may be sonically experiencing their world and I love to incorporate these tiny elements into a draft.
I was in New York with them last week and we recorded a bunch of the ADR for Light Years.  Even a loop group which was an extra thrill as I spent a lot of time at Sound One participating in Loop Groups as an actor (thanks to Mamet actually but longer story on that later)  I was able to work with Scorcese's Thelma Schoonmaker a true legend and known to participate wholeheartedly in adr.  It was a pure joy to create for her and I had many other rewarding and sometimes crazy looping experiences.  It felt magically kismet to be listening in to my own lovingly assembled loopers (mostly friends and former students of course).  Another component that brings the bars and lecture halls and office cubicles to life.  Can't wait for the mix...

directorial choices

Heading into the homestretch and picture l o c k.

Or we shall see after this weeks test screening.  I had a couple of weeks where I went back into actor head I think- any note felt like one I should take and incorporate.  Right?  I mean these are the people standing on the outside looking in so they should be able to tell me what I'm doing is or isn't working.  Right?  Wrong.  Well sort of.  My amazing editor has reminded me that sometimes something just is a directorial choice.  And well if I want to do something a little stylized or different in service of telling a greater story than I feel like this of all times is the time I should.  Not to say that the smart good note isn't welcome.  Just when it comes down to taste I want to hold onto mine.

Telling Stories

All I want to do is tell a good story.  At a party, with a post, with a film.  It should come naturally you'd think, but sometimes we miss the mark and lose our audience. Somewhere along the way our storytelling skills get muddied.  My mom can tell a good story- sometimes she'll get lost in the detail of someone or something and it sends her down another road, but usually, somewhat magically she gets back on track and sums it all up.  Molly, at 6, tells wonderful stories- with conviction and expression and unbridled enthusiasm.  She's chomping at the bit just to get it out and you can't help but get swept up in it.

I think it's best to start out and not know how it will come out in the end but have a clear understanding of the heart of the matter- the moment- or the one single picture in your mind that sums up the piece for you.  I found my heart or image today in my film.  A scene we shot late in the game- a big wide of the two characters standing in the midst of a green filled park, face to face, a path running by them on one side and a field on the right.  It's just the shot I thought we'd use to get into the scene and never out.  But then, there it was in the midst of all this other stuff we were looking at and it just revealed itself as a slice, a center, a thread of what the whole business of this story I'm trying to tell is.  And it got me thinking about the center and all of the other details and sequences of events being important but certainly not as important as the core- the reason you want to tell the story in the first place.  Starting here- with that one singular thing somehow gets the rest of it back to it's place and the order of things is restored.  And once that's done we can just take a breath and begin again.