As a teacher, I am constantly telling my acting students not to let themselves off the hook. Never to give up. In the moment, on stage or on screen, there is an easy choice- one that puts you at less risk and keeps you in a comfortable spot. The hard task is to push yourself to stay present, be open to new choices and not 'be kind' to yourself in allowing yourself to slack. It's much easier said than done. But those that do- catapult forward. Make brave choices, find success and are riveting to watch.
So here I sit in my own 'moment'. And I'm honestly finding it hard to not let myself off the hook and curl up into a ball of -'well I gave it a shot...'. My first feature Light Years, that took such bravery and commitment to make (2 years of sacrifices and bold steps and many forces rallying behind me to see it done) has not found the road I so eagerly anticipated it finding. Granted I am happy with the film. Proud of the work we did, was exhilarated upon it's completion. But nine months later, film festivals have not programmed it, I have not been flown to a premiere and basked in the spotlight, have not watched audiences laugh and cry and ask me where we found that great end title song and the programmers who adored the short film I made a couple years prior apologize profusely for not having 'space' for the feature. And believe me, I know how competitive these festivals are and the current over abundance of great content and new ways of getting the content out there are still being tested and explored. I didn't get into this because I thought it would be easy. I'm happy for my friends like Clark Gregg, Daisy von scherler Mayer and Steph Green whose amazing films are out there in the world making splashes. And that's just naming a few. I'm appreciative of my producers and investors who continue to support my filmmaking endeavors and explore roads to get this one out into the world. Festivals are certainly not the only route. I'm thankful for my bad ass director chick posse that I have to keep me thinking clearly and encouraging and challenging me at every turn. But honestly, I'm still feeling pretty blue. And I think I am writing it all down because I know in my heart of hearts that it's a good thing that this is one of those moments- where it really all comes down to me: can I dig deep and push forward, keep the faith and never give up? If I lose faith in my own film how can I expect that anyone else won't do the same? It's the hardest spots where we prove ourselves I think. And even though it may not look like on paper or even from a distance how I thought it would, I assure you, most emphatically that THIS IS MY MOMENT. This is it. And I think, no I know, what I have to do. I'm gonna grab it. Grab it and push on through.
